He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
