saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Couch. On fire.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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