I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
