He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
