i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
