She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You ruined the universe
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
