Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
