How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
