Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
