she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
