she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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