The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
