Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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