In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
