What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
