I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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