My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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