Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
