the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
