he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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