my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
