Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
