How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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