if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
