I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
