I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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