Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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