just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
