Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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