My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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