Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
