I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
