Please, let me fuck your mom
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
