I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
