Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
