i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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