we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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