My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
