margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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