I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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