I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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