i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
