You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
