As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
