Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
