True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
