I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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