I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
