running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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