I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
