Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
