I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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