when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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