he puts the penis in happiness.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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