if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
