Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
