just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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