This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
